De Oirish Elekshun

The big day for Irish politicians is less than a week away. For the past fortnight, we've been bombarded by posters, party political broadcasts and leaflets through the letterbox. Here's a quick run-down of the major parties involved, for those with a passing interest but who are not conversant in Irish politics:

Fianna Fáil: "Bertie's Team." These guys have been in power for ten years - Bertie became Taoiseach around the same time that Tony Blair entered 10 Downing Street. During this decade, Ireland has undergone phenomenal economic and social changes, and that is largely to FF's credit. However, this state of affairs has arisen in tandem with typical political scandals - politicians accepting money from businessmen, misappropriation of funds, and a string of tribunals that constitute a black hole for taxpayer's money. Bertie Ahern is referred to as 'the Teflon Taoiseach.' Nothing sticks to the man, and in many cases his popularity actually increases among the populace following a political scandal. Note: "Fianna Fáil" means "Soldiers of Destiny."

Fine Gael: Like FF, FG owes its existence to the divisions in Irish society following the Civil War. To reduce it down to its most basic, the difference is that FF was started by Eamonn de Valera, and FG was composed mainly of the supporters of Michael Collins - in other words, FG supported the treaty with Britain (which partitioned the country and created Northern Ireland), while FF opposed it. Political dominance tends to swing back and forth between these parties, but in their current incarnation, they're like jellyfish - only they themselves can tell the difference.
FG has been in opposition for ten years, and it shows. They have not tabled any concrete plans for their term of office should they be elected, because they have forgotten how to actually govern. Their tactic has always been to disagree with and oppose whatever FF says. Their election hopeful, Enda Kenny, is making heavy use of vague rhetorical devices and catchy slogans and gimmicks. Hence, his "Contract for a Better Ireland." He says that if he does not fulfil this contract, he will not seek re-election. The fact that he hasn't got a hope of fulfilling the damn thing in a single term of office is being studiously ignored. Note: "Fine Gael" means "the tribe of the Gaels."

*Despite the power of these two parties, neither of them has enough of a support base anymore to hold a government by themselves. Thus, they have to enter into coalition with one or more of these other parties*

Progressive Democrats: The name of this party is the latest in a long tradition of Irish fiction. These bastards are neither progressive nor democratic. They are currently in coalition with FF, with their leader Michael McDowell serving as Tánaiste (second-in-command to the Taoiseach) and Minister for Justice. His latest act of black magic has been to effectively remove the right to silence. If you are arrested for something, and you reserve the right to remain silent, the prosecution will be allowed 'to draw ineferences' from your silence, and prosecute you anyway.
Mary Harney, another major PD, is currently occupied with fucking over the nurse's unions. While minister for finance, she advocated tax cuts for the wealthy.
The PD ideology is geared solely towards opposing the Left. Rather than concerning themselves with the governing of the state, they are focusing all their attention on making sure that we do not end up with a left-wing government. Their latest poster campaign actually says: "Left-wing government? No thanks!" Popular with the Irish nouveau-riche who would rather forget their origins in the bog and the barnyard, and those who believe that the rising crime-rate is due to the wearing of hoodies.

The Green Party: The Greens have only actually been taking their seats in the Dáil for a little under seven years. Previous to that, if they were voted in, they refused. Like many environmentalist groups, they are absolutist and fundamentalist. They want all or nothing, and have very little time for compromise. Like fundamentalists everywhere, they believe that they alone can save mankind, and that we have a very short timetable in which to do it. Most of their political impetus is emotional, so they see no problem with using emotional blackmail in their broadcasts. The latest features children and teenagers who have not yet reached the age where they are allowed to vote. The children speak directly to the audience, and tell us "I cannot vote. And I'm afwaid that by the time I can, it'll be too late. Pwease vote Green." I agree with a lot of their policies, but using the public's children to try and grab a few votes is cheap and disgusting. This does not matter to the Greens, however, because of the weird quasi-religious nature of their organisation. Their slogan is, "It's Time." In their own way, they are as dangerous as the PDs.

Labour: Pat Rabbitte is the leader of the Labour Party, and he is more than likely going to be the next Tánaiste. Labour do not have enough muscle to obtain a majority in government, but at the moment they are more popular than the PDs. Rabbitte is just more cuddly and agreeable than McDowell.
The election promises from Labour include heavy investment in education. Among other things, they propose to pay the fees of mature students returning to third-level education.
The way things are shaping up now, the 'Alternative Coalition' consists of Fine Gael, Labour and the Greens. The thing about rainbow coalitions such as these is that usually, very little gets accomplished.

Sinn Féin: Since the restoration of devolution to the North, SF has been trying to leave behind the bullets n' balaclavas imagery, and attempting to shift the focus to their social policy (aside from being nationalist, remember, Sinn Féin also considers itself to be socialist. You may squirm at will, gentle reader). Despite the attempt at a pacifist pinko-liberal makeover, however, their support base in the Republic still consists mostly of rabid, "Brits Out" nationalists, who for the most part subscribe to the doctrine of violence out of an ignorance of history and political reality, and who enjoy playing cops n' robbers with the police. This fact is evidenced by Gerry Adams going door-to-door to canvas for his party. Gerry Adams is an MP in the Northern Assembly - he cannot be elected here. That's not just my assertion, it is an actual political impossibility. Adams is not standing in any constituency outside of the North. The reason he's down here at the moment is that to the average SF troglodyte, he is Nationalism Incarnate, and the southern SF movers and shakers are hoping that some of the hero-worship will rub off on them.

Note: "Sinn Féin" means 'Ourselves Alone,' a really appropriate name seeing how every other party has categorically stated that they WILL NOT under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES enter coalition with them. The only party that has not said this is the Green Party.

There are many other tiny parties and independents, but they're too numerous to track down. Throw a brick in a field, and you'll hit one. They usually have one issue, and make use of filibustering and obstructionism to get what they want, holding the Dáil hostage until the demands of Ballygobackwards are met.


Which way am I going to vote? I haven't a fucking clue. I don't trust any of these bastards. the only reason I am going to vote next week is that I'll feel guilty if I don't. That, my friends, is the underlying principle of democracy.